Is Cluttering In Your Family Causing Family Or Relationship Discord?
This is the first chapter from Stop Clutter From Wrecking Your Family. Cluttering in families causes the family relationship to suffer and our own cluttering tendencies are learned behaviors that our kids and teenagers readily mimic. The whole family relationship suffers when cluttering is exhibited by any family member, kids, teens, adults. Here are some solutions to family cluttering.
“My cluttering goes back to my childhood, I guess. Maybe that is something you should address in your new book - that parents need to get a grip on their child's cluttering ASAP. Especially because there are other issues underneath it! I wish my parents had done something back then. Maybe I wouldn't be in the mess (literally) that I am in today.
I remember that I used to be a very neat and organized child. I had a place for everything and my room was always perfect. Spotless! I even dusted it weekly. Well, my mother was abusive and I became depressed, and I am not sure when it was exactly, but my clutter first became apparent around that time (perhaps around age 12 or 13). Instead of being neat as a pin, I began piling papers and books and magazines and catalogs on my bed - anything at all. Clothes were thrown on the floor. Once it began, no one put a stop to it." – Janine, a recovering clutterer.
Kids’ messiness a constant battle? Spouse’s clutter causing friction in your relationship? The solutions are here, but the problem isn’t what you think. Stuff isn’t the problem. Organizing techniques alone aren’t the answer. Understanding is the key. Loving communication is the way. Hope is what this book is all about. It’s about living a happier, less stressful life, not just having a neater home. It’s about balance.
There’s a lot of psychology here, but it boils down to two simple principles.
· Kids and adults clutter for a reason.
· They clutter because they get rewarded, negatively or positively, for doing it.
Lighten UP!
Aw, gee, cluttering may be serious, but a key element to overcoming it is to lighten up, literally and figuratively. While it may not rival the Macarena in popularity, you and your family will be doing the “clutter dance” to celebrate your successes, having “treasure hunts” and awarding poker chips as rewards. Hugs and kisses are mandatory. Humor is the best medicine and the best teacher.
How many clutterers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They have dozens of light bulbs, but can’t find them.
The stories in this book are true, only the names have been changed to protect the cluttered. Dozens of clutterers shared their childhood memories with you and me, under the condition of anonymity. No clutterers were harmed in the making of this book.
This Is A Guidebook
I’m just a guide on your journey to understanding cluttering and applying what you know to a behavior you don’t understand. You’re the expert on your family dynamics. There aren’t a lot of “shoulds” and “ought to’s” here. There’s no guilt. There are a lot of suggestions of what’s worked in families like yours. Take what you need and leave the rest.
Cluttering behavior and habits are family issues. How your kids deal with their stuff may reflect what’s going on within your family or within themselves. Or, they could just need a little guidance on what to do and why it’s important. Whatever the reasons, you’ll learn solutions that work for children and adults, not just band-aids of organizing tips.
The Lone Ranger To The Rescue
Heck, sometimes decluttering can result in some great family stories. Kids love to play make-believe and sometimes they’ll make-believe themselves into a decluttering project. Join in with them. Whenever all this “dealing with the issue” stuff gets too intense, remember that there’s a lighter side to everything. Stay on the sunny side of the street!
“I'm one of those people who'll wait until the last moment to finish a project. Then, just as it looks as if I couldn't possibly have enough time to complete it, I'll burst on the scene with a fresh load of energy and get the job done in record time. It's as if I'm trying to be the Lone Ranger who prances in on his high white horse and saves the day just in the nick of time.
This high-tension approach to getting things done has its roots in one of my earliest childhood memories. It involves a method my mom used to encourage us – my brother and sister and I – to pick up our toys. Mom would leave the playroom and we would see if we could clean it up by the time she got back. We'd work ourselves up into a frenzy trying to get everything in place. If we managed to get it cleaned up in time, she'd let us know by being very theatrical. After giving the room a thorough once over with her eyes, she'd open them widely and exclaim, "I have NEVER seen ANYTHING like this! I think I'm going to FAINT!" Then she'd close her eyes and crumple like a rag doll onto a nearby mattress. The three of us would laugh and cheer. We felt strong and powerful, like gnomes in a storybook who had just felled the mighty giant.” – Elizabeth, a recovering clutterer.
Imitation Or Rebellion?
Are your kids imitating (or rebelling against) you with their cluttering? Are you imitating (or rebelling against) your own parents with your standards of neatness?
You may have to change some of your own ways of dealing with the things in your life. It’s easier to teach our children to learn how to not-clutter than it is for our spouses (or ourselves) to change. The tools here have been tested in real live homes with real live clutterers, children and adults. The only experts on the clutter in your home are you and the clutterer who made it. Learning how to organize will help, but learning to want to not-clutter is the key.
Learning how not to be messy, or not-clutter, may not rank as high as potty training in helping your child fit into society (though the parallels are obvious), but it’s right up there with learning to say “please and thank you.” Some of the traits that learning to not-clutter will reinforce are far more important than getting rid of stuff or just having a neat house.
This Is A Journey, Not A Trip
If you’re looking for a quick fix, you might as well put this book down now. Quick fixes don’t last. If those quick fixes worked, you wouldn’t be looking here for a new solution. I promise you that once you learn the “why” of cluttering, you can apply the “how to.” You get both here. You need both to do any permanent good. If you want to make a real difference in your children’s life, repair your marriage, have a happier home, and are willing to learn a new paradigm, then welcome. Let’s begin the journey.
[This is only a part of Chapter 1. There's too much information here to comfortably read on a web site, but I hope it has given you a taste of where I am going with it. Other parts of the book are in this section -- Mike.
In Conclusion
Let’s get started on this journey to understanding and changing your children’s, spouse’s, and maybe even your own, cluttering behavior. We aren’t just going to learn how to make “homes” for things, impose “systems” or believe that going to the local Clutter-Solutions Depot and getting the right boxes, bins and containers is going to solve this problem. I say “we,” because (in case, like most people, you skipped the introduction and missed my eloquent preamble) for the next couple of hundred pages, you are my family. We’re going to make that mean old Clutter Monster more like the Cookie Monster – big, but not intimidating. We’ll teach your children some real values that will serve them in good stead for the rest of their life, and take a lot of stress out of your homes. Chances are, we’ll have a chuckle or two doing it. Cluttering is serious, but we don’t have to be.